Phone Calls
by XxSquall's angelxX
Summary: -AU- When Selphie, Rinoa, Squall and Irvine (bit of Zell and Quistis too) get their phone wires crossed, they dial T-R-O-U-B-L-E! (more elaborated summary inside). Unfinished. Not my story & it won't be updated. Sorry
1. Prologue

**If your new to this story, please read my note first.**

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

**Reach Out-and ZAP someone!**

The phone frenzy starts when Selphie calls her best friend Rinoa and convinces her to throw herself at super-jock Irvine Kinneas. Trouble is, Irvine finds Rinoa about as intriguing as algebra! Rinoa is convinced the whole thing was Selphie's idea of a joke. Well, two can play a phone game. Rinoa calls Selphie's brother Squall to plot a little sweet revenge. Before long, major phone warfare is declared, and Selphie sets up the ultimate prank-a date to the Homecoming dance for Rinoa with exchange student Zell, weirdo extraordinaire!

Now Rinoa desperatly wants out of her date, Selphie is starting to think Irvine is pretty hot, and Squall secretly wants to go out with Rinoa. With all the laughter and confusion on the line, will they _ever_ find the hot line to romance?

Prologue

**"Hello, Selphie? It's me, Rinoa. I just made the biggest fool of myself."**

"No it's Squall. Selphie isn't home."

"Squall? I'm sorry. I thought-"

"Rinoa, you sound terrible. What's the matter?"

"Oh. Nothing."

"Nothing? How can you sound so bad about nothing?"

"It's nothing. Really. It's about a boy."

"Well, I'm a boy."

"Squall, I know you're a boy."

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, Rinoa."

"Where's Selphie?"

"I don't know. Out having her ears glued down."

"Squall! Stop that! You know how sensitive Selphie is about her big ears. You're just being a pig."

"Oink-oink."

"Goodbye. I'm going to hang up now."

"Break my heart." 


	2. A Crush Revealed

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 1

**Selphie Calls Rinoa**

"Hello." 

"Hello. Rinoa?"

"No. It's her mom. Is this Selphie?"

"Yes. Hi, Mrs. Heartilly. Is Rinoa there?"

"She'd better be. It's after eleven o'clock. Isn't it a little late to be calling, Selphie?"

"Eleven. Oh, wow. My watch must've stopped. It says nine o' clock. Do you believe it?"

"No. Not really. Never mind. I'll go get Rinoa."

"Hello?"

"Hi, Rinoa. It's me. What are you doing?"

"My nails."

"What color?"

"Well, I don't know. I was thinking about purple. Or maybe black."

" Have you thought about blue? Maybe you should find a shade to match your eyes. I've always thought it would be neat to have eyes and nails that match."

"You're weird, Selphie. Actually, I never do anything to my nails at all, except chew on them. But sometimes I think about doing something to them. That's what I was doing when you called. Thinking about doing something to them."

"Do you want to know something better to think about?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Well, how about Irvine?"

"Irvine?"

"Yeah. Irvine."

"Selphie, why should I think about Irvine?"

"Well from what I just heard, he's been thinking about _you_."

"Get real, Selphie."

"I'm serious. I was talking to Carol Trager, and she said her brother told her Irvine thinks you're neat. He likes girls with straight, raven black hair."

"But, Selphie, Irvine doesn't even know me."

"Carol seemed to think he _wants _to know you!"

"But he's a junior. I've never spoken a word to him. He's never even said hello to me."

"Well, he's really shy, Rinoa."

"He's shy?" I don't see what that has to—"

"You're kinda shy, too. You two have a lot in common. I think you should call him."

"Call him? Get real. I couldn't call him. What would I say?"

"I don't know. Ask him something. Ask him what it's like to be a junior."

"Don't be a dork."

"Ask him if you can interview him for the school paper."

"But I don't work on the school paper."

"He doesn't know that."

"No. Really—I couldn't—"

"Wow. It's a great idea. You pretend to interview him, and I know he'll ask you out. Carol says he really wants to ask you out. He just needs an excuse."

"But, Selphie. I couldn't. I can't.

"My brother has a little cassette player. You could bring it over to Irvine's to tape the interview. That'll really impress him."

"But what happens when the school paper comes out and the interview isn't in it? He'll know I was a fake!"

"By that time, you two will be going together. He'll be so nuts about you, he won't care. Trust me, Rinoa, this is a perfect plan."

"If it's so perfect, why do I feel so weird about it?"

"Because you're a chicken, Rinoa."

"Thanks for the compliment."

"What are friends for? Listen, you have no choice. You've _got_ to do this. Carol says the guy is really hot for you. At least that's what her brother told her."

"Who's her brother? The guy with all the teeth?"

"Yeah. That's him. Carol says he wants to have his teeth straightend, but no one can figure out which way they should go."

"How awful."

"Yeah. She's embarrassed to be seen with him, but she feels sorry for him too. He's her brother, after all."

"And he and Irvine are friends?"

"I guess so. Listen, Rinoa, are you going to call Irvine or not?"

"I don't know. I can't decide. I don't think I—"

"Listen, Selphie, I've got to get off the phone. My mom is screaming at me from downstairs."

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

"Right. Oh. Wait. Selphie?"

"Yeah?"

"What's the name of the school paper?"

"Hmmmm—I think it's _The Beacon_. I'm not sure."

"Thanks. Good night."


	3. Don't Be Ridiculous

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 2

**Rinoa Calls Irvine**

"Hello. Irvine?"

"Hello. You have reached the Kinneas family, but no one is here to answer your call. Please leave a message after the beep, and we'll call you back as soon as we can. Thanks for calling. Remember to wait for the beep."

_Beeeep_

"Oh. Hi. I wanted to--well--you probably don't know me but…well, maybe you do. I wanted to--uh--I'm not being too clear here. I guess I'll call you back later. Sorry, I mean--bye."

Chapter 2-part 2

**Rinoa calls Selphie**

"Hello, Selphie? It's me. I just made the biggest fool of myself."

"No. It's Squall. Selphie isn't home."

"Squall? I'm sorry. I just thought Selphie would answer. She always does."

"Rinoa, you sound terrible. What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Nothing? How can you sound so bad about nothing?"

"It's nothing. Really. It's about a boy."

"Well, I'm a boy."

"Squall, I know you're a boy."

"So maybe I can help."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, Rinoa."

"Don't get insulted, Squall. Do you know Irvine Kinneas?"

"The basketball player?"

"Yeah."

"We're in the same gym class. He's always a team captain. When he chooses sides, he never chooses me."

"Sorry, Squall, but it's kind of funny, thinking of you and him in the same gym class."

"Stop laughing, Rinoa. I think I'm going to get really pissed off if you don't stop laughing."

"Well, admit it. You're not exactly the jock type."

"Oh, really? Have you ever seen me with a tennis racquet in my hand?"

"No."

"That's because I don't play tennis."

"Oh."

"You can laugh at that, Rinoa. That was a joke."

"Oh."

"Listen. Just because Irvine Kinneas can run, dribble, and shoot from anywhere on the floor doesn't make him a great athlete, either."

"Squall, you sound positively jealous."

"Shut up."

"Listen to you."

"Just shut the hell up."

"Make me."

"Why do you want to know about Irvine Kinneas?"

"None of your business, Squall."

"None of my business? But you brought him up! You asked me about him!"

"I told you you couldn't help me."

"You're right. You're beyond help!"

"You don't have to scream at me. You're not _my_ brother. You're Selphie's. You're supposed to scream at her."

"She isn't here. And she isn't the one who's driving me crazy."

"How come we always fight?"

"I'm not fighting, Rinoa. I'm the shrimpy little nerd who shouldn't be in the same gym class with Irvine Kinneas. So how can I fight?"

"Come off it. I didn't mean that as an insult. Lighten up, okay? Where's Selphie?"

"I don't know. Out having her ears glued down."

"Squall! Stop that! You know how sensitive Selphie is about her big ears. You shouldn't tease her about her ears."

"Then what should I tease her about?"

"You're just being a pig."

"Oink-oink."

"Goodbye. I'm going to hang up now." 

"Break my heart."

"Tell Selphie I called, okay? No. Don't tell her. Tell her it wasn't important."

"Okay. I'll tell her you didn't call and it wasn't important."

"Very funny. Remind me to laugh."

"Bye, Rinoa."

"Bye. Oh, Squall?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have your notes for Miller's chemistry exam?"

"Of course."

"Can I borrow them from you?"

"Of course. Don't you always?"

"Yes. I guess I do. Thanks, Squall. See you."

"See you, Rinoa."


	4. The Beacon

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 3

**Rinoa calls Irvine**

"Hello."

"Hello, Irvine?"

"No. You do not have the pleasure of speaking to Irvine. This is his humble visitor Zell."

"What?"

"I said, you do not have the pleasure of speaking to—"

"Oh. Zell. Yes. I've heard about you."

"As they say in my country, bad news travels fast on a windy day. Ha-ha!"

"You're the foreign exchange student who's living with Irvine's family this year."

"I am liking your voice. Do you know my country?"

"No. I—"

"It is bright yellow."

"Your country is yellow?"

"Only on the map. Not in real life."

"Oh. Uh—interesting. That's very interesting, Zell. Is Irvine home?"

"Yes, he resides here presently."

"Well, could I speak to him?"

"Could you or may you? Hee-hee."

"Is that a joke?"

"It is what I call a pleasantry."

"May I speak to Irvine?"

"With pleasure I am turning over the receiver to him."

"Hello?"

"Hello, Irvine?"

"Yeah."

"This is Rinoa. Rinoa Heartilly."

"Yeah?"

"It's not too late to call, is it?"

"Too late? It's five o' clock in the afternoon!"

"Oh. Right. Well…"

"I'm sorry. Who is this? There's a lot of noise here. Zell is playing the bagpipes or something. I didn't catch your name."

"It's Rinoa. Rinoa Heartilly."

"Are you from school?"

"What? Yes. I'm in Miss Joffry's homeroom."

"Yeah?"

"Well—uh—you're probably wondering why I'm calling."

"Yeah."

"Well, I'm calling because—"

"Hey—Heartilly. Wasn't it your brother on the wrestling team? He was all-state or something, and then his arm got bent."

"No. I don't have a brother."

"Oh. But do you know who I mean? Big guy with a red face? Used to wear bright red sweaters? Always looked so weird walking around with a bent arm?"

"No. I didn't know him. I'm a sophomore. I mean, I'm not into wrestling."

"Yeah?"

"I go to all the basketball games, though."

"Yeah?"

"I guess you're still wondering why I called."

"Yeah."

"Well, I'd like to—uh, interview you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. For the school paper, _The Beacon_. I think that's what it's called."

"You want to interview me?"

"Yeah. I mean, yes. Would you mind if—"

"But they just interviewed me. Last week."

"They did?"

"Yeah. Chris Murdoch. You know Chris?"

"Sure. Of course I know him."

"He already interviewed me for_ The Beacon_."

"Oh. Right. I knew that. It's just that—uh—well, Chris lost his notes."

"He did?"

"Yeah. So he asked me to do a follow-up. You know. Try to piece together the stuff he lost."

"Oh."

"So, do you think you might have time?"

"Yeah."

"When? I mean—"

"Well, I have basketball practice at seven-thirty. You could come over before. Say seven."

"Come over to your house?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Okay. That's good. It shouldn't take long. Thanks, Irvine. See you at seven."

"Yeah."

"Well, bye."

"Oh, Rina? Do you know my address?"

"It's Rinoa. Yes. I live just a few blocks away, across Fremont by the playground."

"Yeah?"

"See you later, Irvine. Thanks."

"Bye."


	5. Your Little Joke

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 4

**Irvine Calls Squall**

"Hello."

"Hello, Squall?"

"No. This is his dad. Who's this?"

"A friends of his."

"Oh. Hold on. I'll get him. Isn't this a little late to be calling?"

"Yeah. I guess. I just got home from basketball practice."

"I see. Hold on."

"Hello?"

"Squall?"

"Speaking."

"I'm Irvine Kinneas. How ya doin?"

"Irvine? Hi. What's happening?"

"Not much. I just wanted to ask you about that girl."

"Girl? What girl?"

"Come on, man. I'm onto your little joke."

"Irvine, I really don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah. Sure."

"What girl?"

"The girl you sent over to my house. Rinoa Heartilly."

"Rinoa? I sent Rinoa to your house?"

"Come on, Squall. What's the joke? I don't get it."

"I don't get it, either, Irvine. Rinoa's a friend of mine. Actually, she's my sister's friend. But I didn't send her over to your house. Why would I do that?"

"I don't know."

"She was at your house tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Well, what makes you think I sent her?"

"She told me."

"She what?"

"She told me you sent her, Squall."

"But that's impossible."

"I don't get it, man. Were you trying to embarrass me or something?"

"No. I--"

"Then I don't get it."

"I don't get it, either."

"Maybe she's bananas, or something."

"Maybe."

"She _must_ be bananas because I think she's after your bod, Squall."

"What?"

"The way she kept talking about you. She's after your bod, man."

"That's stupid, Irvine."

"Yeah. I know."

"Well, you don't have to get insulting."

"I think she's hot for you, man. She's not bad looking, either. I'd ask her out myself if I wasn't going with Sarah--and Quistis."

"This is some kind of put-on, right? Rinoa just barely tolerates me. Every time we talk, we get into some kind of fight."

"Sounds like true love, Squall."

"No way, Irvine. No way this makes any sense."

"Tell me about it. She said you told her to come see me. I don't get it, man. I don't get the joke."

"It must be some kind of mix-up."

"Yeah."

"I'll bet my sister had something to do with it. Selphie and Rinoa are best friends. But it wasn't me. Really."

"Yeah."

"No. You've got to believe me!"

"Whatever you say, man. I've got to get some shut-eye. I'm whipped, man. Coach was in a bad mood tonight, and when he's in a bad mood, we do laps. Lots of laps."

"Too bad."

"Yeah."

"Well, okay. See you around, Irvine."

"Not if I see you first. Ha-ha!"

"Funny."

"Hey, Squall--one other thing."

"What's that?"

"Do you have notes for Miller's chemistry exam?"

"Yes."

"Can I borrow them?"

"I guess so."

"Thanks, man. See ya."

"See ya."


	6. Humiliated

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 5

**Rinoa Calls Squall**

"Hello."

"Hello, Selphie?:

"No. It's Squall."

"Good. Because I was calling to tell Selphie I'm never speaking to her again."

"Rinoa, chill out. Chill out! You're shouting in my ear."

"Just tell her. Okay? Tell her, I'm never speaking to her again, and I'm never thinking about her again, and I'm never calling her again."

"I think I get the idea. Will you stop shouting? What's your problem?"

"Problem? What's my problem? Just that your sister got me into the most embarrassing, the most humiliating, the most unspeakable night of my life!"

"Rinoa, I'm sure there's some mistake. Selphie's your friend."

"Selphie _was_ my friend. I can't believe it, Squall. I can't believe what she did to me! I'll never live it down. I'll carry the embarrassment to my grave."

"Rinoa, what--"

"I just gave myself an idea. Hold on. I'm going to jump out the window."

"What room are you in?"

"The den."

"The den is on the first floor."

"I know, but maybe I'll fall onto the rosebushes and bleed to death from the thorns."

"Rinoa, please. Just chill out. Tell me what happened."

"I might as well tell you. It'll be all over school tomorrow. How can I go to school? How can I ever face anyone again? Everyone will know what an idiot I am. I made a perfect fool of myself."

"No one's perfect. Ha-ha!"

"Shut up, Squall. Do you want to hear what Selphie did to me or not?"

"Sure. Tell me, Rinoa."

"She told me that Irvine Kinneas wanted to ask me out, but he was too shy."

"Irvine? Shy?"

"She said if I made up an excuse and went over to see him, he'd ask me out because he really wanted to."

"So you made up an excuse and went over there?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Rinoa--really."

"Save your sarcasm for the end, Squall. It gets a lot worse. Ack! Why am I telling you all this?"

"Because I'm just Selphie's brother Squall, and it doesn't matter what I think of you?"

"I guess. Anyway--"

"Thanks, pal."

"Oh, don't start a fight now. I can't take any more. Really. Just shut up and listen. I went over to Irvine's before practice tonight and pretended I was interviewing him for the school paper."

"_The Bugle?_" 

"It's called _The Bugle?_ I thought it was called _The Beacon!_ Oh, no! Oh, wow--"

"Go on, Rinoa. Don't keep me in suspense."

"You'd better not enjoy this story, Squall. Or I'll never speak to you again, either."

"Could I have that in writing?"

"Stop it. Just shut up. I borrowed your cassette player from Selphie to make it look like I was getting the interview on tape."

"Get to the good part, Rinoa. Did he ask you out?"

"Oh, for sure. That's why I'm in such a great mood! Have you lost your brain? No, he didn't ask me out. He wasn't the least bit interested in me. He didn't know who I was. He didn't recognize me at all. Everything Selphie said was a lie."

"So what did you do?"

"What could I do? I was so embarrassed and nervous. I kept asking myself, "What am I doing here?" I had no choice. I had to go through with the interview."

"And?"

"And your stupid sister hadn't given me any tape. So there I was. I turned on the cassette player. I pushed Play and Record, and I tried to think of a question to ask him. Then he started to laugh. He laughed so hard, he fell off the couch. He couldn't breathe."

"Because he saw you didn't have a cassette in the recorder?"

" Yes. Hey, don't you start laughing."

"I'm not. So, go on. He laughed so hard he couldn't breathe. What did you do? Give him mouth-to-mouth?"

"Don't be a pig. Sometimes you're really disgusting, Squall."

"Only sometimes? That's the nicest thing you ever said to me. Go on. What did you do?"

"I panicked. When I saw what he was laughing about, I just panicked. I turned off the recorder. I told him something about how I had a photographic memory, or something. I tried to go on with the interview. But--but--"

"But what?"

"But I couldn't think of any questions to ask him."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yes. It was horrible. My mind went blank. I just wanted to hide somewhere. I really thought about it, hiding behind the couch. He thought it was hilarious, the big, retarted jock. He thought it was some kind of practical joke. How could it be a practical joke? There I was, so embarrassed and mortified I was ready to hide behind the couch. How could it be a joke? He asked me whose idea it was."

"And you said--"

"I told him it was yours."

"Rinoa--"

"I'm sorry, Squall. I told you, my mind was a blank. Yours was the first name I could think of. I guess because you told me you're in his gym class. I'm really sorry. I just panicked and blurted out your name."

"Great. That's just great, Rinoa. When we have gym on Wednesday, he'll probably slam dunk me. That's Irvine's idea of a practical joke!"

"No. I'm sure—"

"Did you say anything else about me to Irvine?"

"What?"

"Did you tell him some other things about me?"

"No. That was it."

"I thought so. So he was putting me on."

"He--what? You mean he called you? He called you to say what a dork I am?" 

"Uh, no. He didn't call, Rinoa. I--uh--was thinking of something else. Finish the story."

"There's nothing to finish. I told him to look for his interview in _The Beacon_, and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I can't believe I didn't even get the name of the paper right. Why would Selphie do that to me, Squall? Why?"

"I don't know."

"Brilliant. You're supposed to be a brain. Come on. Tell me why she played such a horrible trick on me. She's your sister."

"Give me some slack, Rinoa. You know she's not my real sister. She's only my sister because my father married her mother."

"That's no excuse. Why did she do this to me?"

"Well, maybe it's because she's hot for Irvine."

  
"What?"

"I think maybe I've heard her talking about him with some other girls. I think she finds him really interesting. And maybe sending you over there was a roundabout way of getting to know him."

"You mean she used me."

"It's just a wild guess, Rinoa. It's not a fast, or anything."

"She used me. She used me to get to Irvine. What a mean trick."

"Well, we shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'm probably just way off base. I shouldn't have--"

"Just tell her never to call me again, Squall. I've never heard of anything so low."

"Come on, Rinoa. You should give her a chance to exp--"

"Good night, Squall. I've got to get off the phone. I'm suddenly exhausted. I can't even hold the phone in my ear. I guess that's what total humiliation does to a person."

"Okay. Sorry you're so upset. Get some sleep. Oh, and please bring back my cassette recorder tomorrow, okay?"

"Oh. That's the other thing."

"Other thing?"

"Yeah. I ran out in such a panic, I left it at Irvine's. Sorry, Squall."

"Good night, Rinoa. Thanks for everything."

"You don't have to be so sarcastic, do you? Well do you?"

"I guess not."

"You know I'm in pain. You know I'll never be able to hold my head up or look anyone in the eye again. So don't be sarcastic. It's the least you can do."

"You're right, Rinoa. You're shouting again."

"Well, good night."

"Good night."

Chapter 5-part 2

**Selphie Call Rinoa**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Rinoa?"

"No, it's her mom. How are you, Selphie?"

"Okay. Is Rinoa home?"

"Yes. Just wait a minute…Uh--Selphie?"

"Yes?"

"Rinoa says she can't come to the phone right now."

"Tell her I just need to talk to her for a minute."

"Sorry, Selphie, Rinoa says--uh--_Rinoa, I'm not going to tell Selphie that! If you want to tell her, tell her yourself. But I think you're being very childish!_"

"Mrs. Heartilly--"

"_Rinoa, I'm not going to fight your fights for you. Why are you fighting with Selphie, anyway?_"

"Mrs. Heartilly--"

"I'm sorry, Selphie. I don't know what's going on between you two, but you're both mature young ladies. You're not kids anymore, and you should be able to solve your disagreements in a more grown-up manner."

"That's true, Mrs. Heartilly. I agree with you completely. Would you do me one favor?"

"What's that?"

"Tell Rinoa she's a stupid pinhead and her hair looks like a rat's nest in a hurricane."

"Goodbye, Selphie."

"Goodbye, Mrs. Heartilly."


	7. Revenge on Selphie

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 6

**Squall Calls Rinoa**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Rinoa?"

"No, it's her mom. Hold on. I'll get her. Who is this?"

"Squall."

"Squall, what happened between Rinoa and Selphie?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? Rinoa won't tell us anything. But I can see she's terribly upset."

"They'll probably work it out, Mrs. Heartilly."

"You think so? Listen, Squall, it's none of my business, but you're Selphie's brother. If there's anything you can do to help solve this—"

"I don't know. I'm not Selphie's real brother. So she doesn't listen to me much. She's usually pretty nasty to me."

"She's nasty to you? That means she _does _think of you as a real brother!"

"Hmmm. Maybe you're right, Mrs. Heartilly."

"Hold on, Squall. I'll go get Rinoa."

"Hello?"

"Hello, Rinoa?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Irvine. I just wondered if we could continue our interview this weekend. My parents are going away, and we'll be all alone the whole time."

"Squall, shut up! You don't sound anything like Irvine!"

"Ha-ha! Sorry, Rinoa. I couldn't resist."

"I should hang up. You're disgusting."

"Yeah, I know. Ha-ha!"

"I hate your laugh, too. You sound like Pee-wee Herman."

"Okay, okay. Don't start tearing me to pieces now. I just called too see how you were feeling."

"And you couldn't resist kicking me while I was down?"

"I didn't kick you. I made a little joke."

"It was in bad taste."

"I'm sorry. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So how are you?"

"I'm miserable. I've lost my best friend, and everywhere I go, people look at me with smirks on their faces and pretend they're not thinking what a triple-dip bozo I am."

"Well, at least you're not getting paranoid."

"Did you call me up just to laugh at me?"

"No. I told you. I just wondered how you were doing. I'm your friend, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

"You sound terrible. When do you think you'll lighten up?"

"When I'm dead. Did Selphie say anything to you?"

"No. She doesn't talk to me much. Usually, she just says, 'Get out of the bathroom!' That's mostly what she says to me. She has been weird the past two days, though. She seems very confused."

"Confused? Confused that I didn't enjoy her little practical joke?"

"I don't know. I think you should try to make up with her or something."

"Who asked you?"

"Nobody. But—" 

"First I have to get my revenge."

"Revenge? Rinoa, have you gone bananas, or what?" 

"I've been thinking about it a lot, Squall."

"About what?"

"About revenge. Will you help me?"

"Help you do what?"

"Get revenge, of course."

"Rinoa, she's my sister. I mean, I've got to live with her, remember?"

"I'm not asking you to do anything too horrendous. I just want to embarrass and humiliate Selphie for life, the way she did to me."

"Well, that sounds perfectly reasonable."

"I think you're being sarcastic again, Squall."

"You're not as dumb as you look."

"You think I look dumb?"

"Rinoa, don't sound so hurt. That's an expression. It doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry. I didn't know my opinion meant anything to you."

"It doesn't. Now do you want to hear my idea?"

"No. But go ahead."

"You tell Selphie that you were talking to Irvine in gym class and that Irvine is nuts about Selphie and wants Selphie to call him."

"What?! Are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious."

"But why would Selphie believe that?"

"You said she's got a crush on him, didn't you?"

"I said I thought _maybe_ she has a crush on him."

"So, why won't she believe it?"

"Because she just pulled the same gag on you. She's not totally brain dead, you know."

"She'll fall for it."

"But it's the exact same joke!"

"That's why she'll fall for it. Who would be stupid enough to try the same exact joke on someone?"

"But if Irvine is so interested in Selphie, why hasn't he called her himself? Why hasn't he come by her locker or something? Why does she have to call him?"

"Because deep down underneath, he's really shy."

"Who would be stupid enough to believe that!?"

"I was!"

"Oh. Right. Well, I don't know, Rinoa. If I do this, then you'll be even with Selphie, and you'll make up with her?"

"Yes. Once she is humiliated for life and cannot show her face in school again, I'll be happy to make up with her."

"That sounds fair."

"Sarcasm, sarcasm. It's such a bad habit."

"I have a lot of bad habits. Want to hear some others?"

"Don't be such a pig, Squall. And don't change the subject. Will you do this or not?"

"Well, I don't know. I guess I could do it. But only to put an end to this stupid fight between you two."

"You're a pal, Squall. Tell Selphie that Irvine drools all over her yearbook picture every night."

"She isn't going to buy it. She's going to figure out that it's a gag."

"If she really has a crush on him, she'll want to believe it. Make it seem real, Squall. Get a scrap of paper. Write, 'Please call me' on it. You know, in funny handwriting. Sign it 'Irvine' and put his phone number on the bottom."

"I don't know, Rinoa. I can't—"

"Please, Squall. You want Selphie and me to be friends again, don't you?"

"Well, sure. But—"

"So, you're not playing a dirty trick on Selphie. You're doing her a favor. You're doing us all a favor."

"I guess—"

"After Selphie's embarrassment and humiliation wear off in a year or so, we'll be happy again—because of you."

"Well, if you put it that way…"

"You'll do it?"

"Yeah. Okay."

"Don't let me down, Squall. And let me know exactly what happens. Revenge isn't good unless you hear all the juicy details."

"Good night, Rinoa."

"See ya."

Chapter 6-part 2

**Squall Calls Selphie**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Selphie?"

"No. It's Xu. Who's this?"

"Squall. Can I talk to Selphie?"

"_Selphie, it's your brother!_"

"Squall?"

"Hi."

"What do you want? Why are you calling me at Xu's? We're studying for the chem exam."

"Well, I—"

"No. You can't listen to my tapes. You always put them back in the wrong boxes."

"Selphie, I don't want to listen to your tapes, believe me. Barry Manilow gets me too excited."

"Give me a break, Squall. I have only one Barry Manilow tape! And it was a present from someone."

"You bought it yourself, Selphie, and you've listened to it, too."

"Not very often. At least I don't waste my money on all that heavy-metal trash; all those ugly guys in black leather wearing makeup and screaming like banshees. How come you only listen to groups with guys who wear makeup, Squall? Don't you think that's a little strange?"

"No, I don't, Selphie. I think—"

"What do you want? You didn't call to discuss music, did you? Xu and I are trying to study."

"No. I called because I had some news I thought you'd want to hear."

"What's that? Your face cleared up? I'll hear about it on the eleven o'clock news."

"Stop laughing, Selphie. That wasn't funny. And tell Xu to stop laughing, too."

"It was too funny."

"You know, I'm calling because I'm a good brother and I heard something I knew you'd be interested in. _Stop laughing!_"

"I'm sorry. _Stop laughing, Xu._ Okay, she stopped. What did you want to tell me?"

"Just this. I had gym class today—" 

" And they asked you to be second base? Ha-ha-ha!"

"Stop it, Selphie. Really. You're not funny. I'm trying to do you a favor, and all you do is—"

"Sorry. It's Xu. She's making me laugh. She just did the best imitation of you. She looked so serious and bookwormy."

"I give up."

"No. Come on, Squall. Lighten up."

"No. I give up."

"Don't be dramatic. Just tell me why you called. I won't interrupt. I promise." 

"I just called because I had gym class this afternoon, and I was talking to Irvine, and Irvine said he really likes you, and he—"

"Irvine Hardesty said he like me? That's impossible."

"Irvine Hardesty? No, Selphie. Not Irvine Hardesty. Irvine Kinneas."

"Irvine Kinneas the basketball player?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he doesn't know me."

"I guess he does. He said he thought you were neat. He gave me a note to give to you."

"Irvine Kinneas?"

"Yes."

"What does the note say?"

"Selphie, I wouldn't read any of your personnel notes."

"What does it say?"

"It says, 'Please call me. Irvine.' And it's got his phone number on it."

"You're joking."

"No. I'm serious."

"He's got to be joking."

"I didn't think so. Irvine doesn't have much of a sense of humor. His idea of something funny is if some guy slams his hand in a locker door. That's about it."

"You're just putting him down because he likes me."

"Can you think of a better reason?"

"Read the note again, Squall."

"I don't have it. I put it on your dresser."

"You were in my room!?"

"I just put it on your dresser."

"Do you think I should call him tonight?"

"You could try, but I think he's got practice tonight."

"He really told you he thought I was neat?"

"Yeah. There's no accounting for taste."

"Why doesn't he call me?"

"I think he's kind of shy."

"_I'm coming, Xu!_ Squall, I've got to get off the phone. Listen, thanks for calling."

"Any time."


	8. The Psych Experiment

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 7

**Selphie Calls Irvine**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Irvine? Do you know who this is?"

"Huh?"

"No? You'll have to guess."

"What?"

"I'll give you a hint. I have brown hair."

"Wait. I—"

"Don't you want to guess?"

"No. Susan, give me a break."

"Susan? No, it isn't Susan. Try again."

"Come on, Susan. What are you giving me a hard time for? First you wake me up from a nap. Then—"

"Hey, wait a minute. Is this Irvine?"

"What? Who?"

"Is this Irvine?"

"No."

"Isn't this 555-4334?"

"No, it isn't."

"Oh. I have the wrong number."

"Yes, you do."

"Sorry."

_Slam!_

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

"Hello?"

"Irvine?"

"No. This is Irvine's dad."

"Is Irvine there?"

"I think so. He was getting ready to go to practice. Hold on. I'll see if he left."

"Hello?"

"Hello, Irvine. How are you?"

"Hi. Sarah? What happened to your voice? You got a cold?"

"No, it isn't Sarah, Irvine."

"I didn't think so. You sure have a sexy voice."

"Thanks. So do you."

"Who is this?"

"You have to guess."

"What?"

"Can't you guess?"

"Uh—let me think. Are you in McSwail's homeroom?"

"No."

"I like that little giggle. I think I've heard it before. Do you have black hair?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Sure, I'm sure."

"This isn't Rosanna?"

"No. Not even close."

"Hmmm…"

"I'll give you one hint. I have brown hair."

"Yeah?"

"Can't you guess?"

"Hmmmmm…"

"Someone I know is in your gym class, and you said something to him."

"Hmmmm…"

"Doesn't it ring a bell?"

"No."

"Come on, Irvine."

"Give me another hint."

"Someone I know is in your gym class, and you said something to him about me."

"It _is _Rosanna!"

"No, it's not."

"Oh."

"You don't remember?"

"No. I don't think so."

"It's Selphie."

"Selphie?"

"Selphie Tilmitt."

"Huh? Do I know you?"

"Oh, God. Sorry."

_Click!_

Chapter 7-part 2

**Selphie Calls Irvine Again**

"Hi, Irvine. I'm sorry I hung up like that."

"No, it's Irvine's dad. I'll see if he's still here."

"Hello?"

"Hi, Irvine. It's me again."

"Selphie?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to say I'm sorry we got cut off like that."

"I thought maybe you hung up."

"Uh—no. My finger slipped."

"Oh."

"I didn't mean to cut you off. It was an accident."

"Yeah. I see. Well, it was nice of you to call back. I've go to go to practice."

"I know. I mean, your dad said you were getting ready to leave."

"Yeah. Coach doesn't like us to be late. If we're late, we do laps. Lots of laps."

"That's a downer."

"No, I don't mind. I kinda like doing laps. Keeps you in shape."

"Well, you're in great shape!"

"What?"

"I mean, I go to the games. You're really good."

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Well, I just wanted to apologize for hanging up—I mean, cutting us off like that."

"Yeah. Who are you again? You're not in McSwail's homeroom?"

"No, I'm a sophomore."

"Ha-ha! You don't sound like a sophomore."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Maybe. What's your last name?"

"Tilmitt. Selphie Tilmitt. I'm Squall's sister."

"What? Oh, now I get it!"

"What do you mean?"

"I get it. You're Squall's sister. Squall put you up to this, right?"

"Well, yes. I mean, no. What do you mean?"

"Why is Squall on my case?"

"On your case?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know what—"

"Why is he doing this to me? I didn't do anything to him. I hardly even know him."

"Irvine, I really don't think he's _doing_ anything to you. He told me that—"

"Is this some sort of psych experiment, or something? Yeah. I'm sure, aren't I? Your brother is such a brain. He's probably doing some kind of psych experiment. And I'm his guinea pig. You're recording this, aren't you! You're helping him, right? Where is he? Put him on."

"No. You're crazy! I don't know what you mean."

"Come on, Selphie. I'm not as dumb as people think. I figured it out. Put Squall on. He's listening to this whole thing, right?"

No, he isn't. He isn't even home. He's studying at a friend's."

"Studying new ways to torture me. Tell him I don't want to play."

"Well, gee whiz, Irvine. I'm sorry if talking to me is what you call torture."

"What are _you_ mad about? I didn't call _you_, did I? I didn't make _you_ late for practice for some stupid psych experiment."

"I'm not a psych experiment!"

"Look, Selphie—I'm late for practice."

"You really didn't say anything to Squall about me in gym class?"

"I'm going to say a lot to him next time I see him."

"But you didn't say anything about me?"

"Huh-uh. How could I? I don't even know you."

"Maybe this is a psych experiment. And _I'm_ the guinea pig."

"Ask your brother."

"I may murder him first."

"Well, he's _your_ brother."

"Not really. My mother married his father. He came along as part of the package."

"Yeah. Look, I really don't have time to hear your family history, you know. I'm late."

"Okay, okay. So you're late. You don't have to be so nasty."

"Listen, have a nice life, okay? I've got to go. Really."

"Okay. I can take a hint."

"Come on, Selphie. Don't go away mad. Just go away. Ha-ha-ha!"

_Click._

Chapter 7-part 3

**Squall Calls Rinoa**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Rinoa? This is Squall."

"I'll go get her, Squall. This is her mom."

"Hello?"

"Hi, Rinoa. It's me."

"Hi. Did you do it? Did you get Selphie to call Irvine?"

"I don't know. I'm not calling about that. I called about my chemistry notes. I'm studying over at Nida's. I can bring them over to you later. Okay?"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I don't care. I just care about Selphie. Did you get her to call Irvine Kinneas?"

"Rinoa, I don't like the way you sound. This little joke we're playing on Selphie means too much on you."

"No, it doesn't. Getting revenge is the most important thing in my life right now, but it doesn't mean too much."

"You're sick, Rinoa."

"Your sister is the sicko. She started the whole thing, remember?"

"Yes. But—"

"So what happened?"

"Look, I'm at Nida's. We're studying. I don't have time to—"

"Sure, you do. What happened? Did you tell her?"

"To call Irvine? Yes."

"And did she?"

"I don't know. She wasn't home last night. She was at Xu's. And tonight I'm not home."

"So you don't know?"

"That's what I said. I don't know. I don't think she called last night, though. Listen, Rinoa, I feel terrible about doing this to her."

"Squall, it's too soon to feel terrible. Wait till she calls Irivne and totally embarrasses herself and has to run away from home and change her identity forever! _Then_ feel terrible."

"But she's going to kill me! You know, brunettes have terrible tempers. It isn't just a stereotype. It's a true stereotype."

"Well, Squall, I didn't force you to do it. I didn't twist your arm."

"Selphie's going to twist my arm. She's going to twist my neck! She's going to twist everything! I'm going to look like a human pretzel for the rest of my life!"

"Oh, lighten up. It'll be worth it, won't it?"

"Worth it? Have you truly gone nuts? How will it be worth it!"

"Stop shouting at me."

"You're right. I've got to cool it. I've got to calm down. I might be worrying for no reason. She probably won't even call Irvine."

"Won't call him? What do you mean? She'd better call him!"

"Now _you_ stop shouting, Rinoa. You tricked me into doing this. You hypnotized me or something."

"I couldn't hypnotize you. How could I hypnotize you? You have to have a brain to be hypnotized!"

"Oh, listen to her. She made a joke! Better go write that down in your diary. 'Made up my first joke today.'"

"You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of humor."

"Where'd you read that—in a Little Golden Book? Why don't you write that in your diary, too?"

"I don't keep a diary, Squall."

"Of course not. Your life is too boring even for you to write about."

"At least I go out on dates, Squall. I don't sit at home watching horror movies on the VCR every weekend of my life!"

"I watch horror movies because they remind me of you!"

"You watch horror movies because you're a social retard!"

"I _must_ be a retard! I talk to you!"

"That's so juvenile!"

"Juvenile enough for you to understand?"

"You're just jealous of me because I'm popular."

"Popular? Popular? You weren't too popular with Irvine Kinneas, were you? Ha-ha!"

"Oh. That's low. That's low even for you."

"I know. But it's not too low for you! Ha-ha!"

"Stop laughing. Just shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"You shut up first. You're such a pig, Squall. Good-bye."

"Oink-oink."

"So when will you bring the chemistry notes over? About ten?"

"Yeah. Okay. About ten."

"See you later."

"Right. See you later."


	9. Just Tell Me Why

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 8

**Selphie Calls Squall**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Nida?"

"No. Max, his cousin."

"Little Max? Aren't you staying up awfully late?"

"I don't know. I can't tell time."

"Well, where are your mom and dad?"

"Gone somewhere. Nida's taking care of me."

"I see. Is Squall there?"

"Who?"

"Squall. Nida's friend."

"I guess."

"Well, could you go get him, please? Tell him it's Selphie."

"I guess. _Hey, Squall! Squall! A girl wants to talk to you!_"

"Hello?"

"Max is wrong. I don't want to talk to you."

"Selphie?"  
"In fact, I may never talk to you again."

"Selphie. Listen—"

"You're history, Squall."

"No, wait—"

"You're dead meat."

"That's no way for a sister to talk."

"Why, Squall? Why'd you do it?"

"Uh—I guess you called Irvine, huh?"

"Why? Just tell me why."

"I guess you called Irvine and it didn't go too well, huh?"

"Why, Squall? Why? Why? Why?"

"I guess it didn't go too well and now you're a little sore?"

"Why did you do that to me, Squall? I can only think of three possible reasons why you would do that to me."

"What are they?"

"Number one—you're sick."

"What's number two?"

"Number two is you're sick. And so is number three."

"I see."

"So which is it, Squall? One, two, or three?"

"None of the above, Selphie. I'm sorry you're so upset."

"Upset? Why should I be upset? Because my own brother makes up a phony story that tricks me into calling the most popular boy in school and making a total fool of myself? Because by tomorrow everyone in school will know, and people will be laughing at me for the rest of my life?"

"Well—uh—I only did it for you, Selphie."

"What? I think we have a bad connection, Squall. It sounded like you said you did if for me."

"I did. For you and Rinoa."

"Rinoa? What has she got to do with this?"

"It was her idea. I mean—I did it so you two could stop fighting and be friends again."

"Squall, not one word you're saying makes any sense. Hold on just for a second."

"Hold on? Why?"

"Because I'm going to scream."

"But, Selphie—"

"Aaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeee!!!"

"Selphie?"

"Okay. Where were we?"

"I was explaining about Rinoa."

"Well? What about Rinoa? The two of you cooked up this little scheme?"

"Yeah. I guess. But we—"

"But why? Why would she want to do this to me? And why would you go along with it?"

"She said if she got revenge against you, then the two of you could make up."

"Oh. Right. That makes perfect sense. Thanks for clearing it all up, Squall. Hold on just for a second, okay?"

"Hold on?"

"Aaaaaaiiiiiiieeeeeee!!!"

"Selphie, do you have to keep doing that?"

"Yes. Yes I do. I really do. Go on."

"So, getting you to call Irvine Kinneas and embarrass youself with Rinoa's revenge. Now you two can bury the hatchet."

"Sorry, Squall. It still isn't making any sense. Could you maybe explain _why_ Rinoa had to have revenge against me, her oldest and dearest friend?"

"Yes. Yes, I can."

"Aaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeyaaaaah! Go on, Squall."

"You don't know?"

"No, Squall. I don't."

"For telling her to call Irvine Kinneas and pretend to interview him for the school paper."

"What? What did you say?"

"You heard me, Selphie. You told her to call Irvine Kinneas, and she—"

"Irvine Kinneas? No, I didn't."

"You didn't?"

"I told her to call Irvine Hardesty. Carol Trager's brother said that Irvine Hardesty liked Rinoa and wanted to ask her out. But you know how shy she is."

"Irvine Hardesty?"

"Uh-huh."

"Not Irvine Kinneas?"

"Why would I tell her to call Irvine Kinneas? He doesn't know she's alive. He doesn't know I'm alive, either. At least, he didn't until I called him up and embarrassed myself for life!"

"Irvine Hardesty?"

"Will you stop repeating that name over and over?"

"Yeah. Okay. Irvine Hardesty?"

"So Rinoa called Irvine Kinneas, too, huh. That's why she's been acting so berserk. I couldn't figure it out."

"Yeah. That's why. It was all just a big misunderstanding."

"I tried to do something nice for her."

"Irvine Hardesty?"

"What's wrong with Irvine? He's an okay guy. He's a little quiet, but he's real nice."

"A little quiet! People are always lifting his eyelids to see if he's alive!"

"Stop it, Squall."

"Remember _Night of the Living Dead_? That was Irvine Hardesty!"

"Stop. You're not funny."

"At least I'm breathing!"

"You sound positively jealous."

"Jealous? Of what?"

"You don't like the idea of Rinoa going out with Irvine, do you?"

"Don't be stupid. I didn't say that. I just said that Irvine Hardesty has about as much personality as vanilla yogurt. I didn't say—"

"You're jealous. For sure. If you like Rinoa so much, Squall, why don't you ask her out? You're already plotting against your own sister! Go ahead, ask the little traitor out!"

"Stop trying to change the subject, Selphie. We're not talking about me. Look. You and Rinoa are even now. So you can make up and—"

"Even? Even? How do you figure we're even?"

"Well—"

"I tried to do something nice for her, and she played a vicious trick on me in return! Everyone will know by tomorrow. I'll never live this down!"

"But you—"

"You think we're even? I'll tell you when we'll be even, Squall. We'll be even after I get my revenge! I'm going to pay her back for betraying our friendship and making a fool out of me when I was only trying to be nice. Then we'll be even!"

"But, Selphie—"

_Click_.

Chapter 8-part 2

**Selphie Calls Rinoa**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Rinoa? This is Selphie."

"No, this is Rinoa's dad. Rinoa's asleep. She went to bed over an hour ago. It's a little late to be calling, isn't it, Selphie?"

"I don't know. I don't know what time it is. I don't know anything."

"Selphie, you seem a little agitated. Is there anything I can—"

"Could you give Rinoa a message for me, Mr. Heartilly?"

"Certainly."

"Would you please tell her that our friendship is over forever, that I'm never speaking to her again as long as I live, and that I'll never forgive her for what she did to me, and that I'll get back at her if it's the last thing I ever do."

"Hold the line a minute, Selphie. I'd better get a pencil and paper. I'm not sure I can remember all that."

"Well—"

"Okay. Now what was that again?"

"Oh, never mind. Just tell her that I'm mad enough to spit."

"Okay. Mad—enough—to— Did you say 'spit'?"

"Yes. Good night, Mr. Heartilly."

"Night, Selphie."


	10. Quistis Trepe

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 9

**Someone Calls Squall**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Squall?"

"No. This is Selphie. Is that you, Rinoa? I can't believe you're calling me. Didn't you get my message?"

"No. This isn't Rinoa. Please stop shouting at me. Is Squall there?"

"Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"I _am_ someone else."

"Yes, I know. But I thought you were someone else else."

"Listen, it's been nice chatting with you, but is Squall there?"

"Yes, he's here. Just a minute. _Squall—phone for you!"_

"Hello?"

"Hello, Squall?"

"Hi. Rinoa?"

"No. It's not Rinoa."

"You're right. You don't sound like Rinoa. Who is it?"

"A secret admirer."

"Ha-ha! Really?"

"I like your laugh, Squall. It reminds me of someone on TV.

"Eminem, maybe?"

"No. More like Pee-Wee Herman. Very sexy."

"You think Pee-Wee Herman is sexy?"

"I think men with a sense of humor are sexy. Don't you?"

"Well, I've never given much thought to men with a sense of humor. Now, come on, who is this?"

"I told you. A secret admirer."

"I don't think we should have secrets between us, do you? Ha-ha!"

"You're very funny. I really mean that."

"I love your voice. It's so soft and whispery. Aren't you going to tell me who you are?"

"It's Quistis."

"Quistis?"

"Quistis Trepe."

"_The_ Quistis Trepe?"

"I hope there aren't two of us. Ha-ha!"

"I like your laugh, too. How's it going?"

"Fine. Just fine."

"Gee, that was too bad in chemistry this afternoon, Quistis."

"I know. I sniffed the wrong test tube. It was awful. I thought I was going to die."

"So did everyone else, the way you were shrieking and holding your nose. Are you okay?"

"The doctor said I didn't do any permanent damage to my nose. I just burned off all my nasal hair."

"I can't believe I'm talking to Quistis Trepe about her nasal hair."

"What? What did you say, Squall?"

"I said, gee, that's a terrible shame. I guess you have to keep off it for a while, huh?"

"Keep off my nose? Ha-ha! That's a joke, right."

"Yeah."

"You're so funny. I've been admiring you all semester in chemistry class. You're very smart."

"Well, chemistry isn't really my best subject. You should see me in remedial wood shop!"

"Oh, you're just being modest."

"I am?"

"You're so brilliant. You always know which test tubes you shouldn't sniff."

"I don't sniff _any_ test tubes. That's my secret, Quistis."

"Well, too bad you didn't tell me your secret this afternoon. Maybe I'd still have my nasal hair."

"Yeah. Too bad."

"Listen, Squall, do you think we could study together some time?"

"Do I think—Yes! Of course, we can. I mean, sure!"

"Oh, that would be very nice. Do you think maybe tomorrow night would be good? My parents will be away the whole night, and it will be very quiet around here."

"Your parents? Great! I mean, yes. That sounds very good for studying. I mean, the quiet part sounds good. For studying, of course."

"You're so funny. Will you come over about seven-thirty? We can have the whole evening to ourselves."

"I can be there _now_ if you'd like to get a head start. Ha-ha!"

"Ha-ha! Please, Squall, don't make me laugh so much. It hurts my nose."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm glad you're coming over tomorrow. I'd really like to get to know you better."

"Uh—me, too. I mean—You know what I mean. Okay, Quistis. See you tomorrow."

"Nighty-night, Squall. Sweet dreams."

"Don't worry!"

"What?"

"I said goodbye. See you tomorrow."

Chapter 9-part 2

**Squall Calls Rinoa**

"Hello?"

"Hi, Rinoa. You won't believe who just called me!"

"I think Rinoa's asleep, Squall."

"Oh. Hi Mrs. Heartilly. Sorry."

"I'll go see if she's awake."

"Thanks."

"Hello?"

"Rinoa?"

"Oh. It's you."

"You don't have to be so enthusiastic, you know."

"Give me a break. I was asleep."

"How could you tell?"

"Did you call me up to act stupid? Of course, you don't have to _act_!"

"No. Sorry. I-I'm not sure why I called, really. You wouldn't be interested in who called me."

"You're right. I wouldn't."

"Quistis Trepe."

"You're right. I wouldn't."

"Quistis Trepe called me. The foxiest girl in school!"

"Does she want you to mow her lawn?"

"No. She had a much more personal request."

"She wants you to baby-sit her dog?"

"Very funny, Rinoa. Great line. I'm impressed. You should go to sleep more often." 

"I'd like to, but some nerd keeps waking me up to tell me about Quistis Trepe."

"Yeah. Quistis Trepe. She's invited me over. Her parents are going to be away."

"Quistis Trepe is not interested in you."

"What? Get real! How can you say that?"

"Easy. Quistis Trepe is not interested in you. I can prove it."

"How?"

"You have no money, right?"

"Right."

"There. I proved it. Quistis Trepe is not interested in you."

"You're bananas, Rinoa. There are other things in the world besides money."

"Not to Quistis Trepe."

"There's brains. There's a sense of humor—"

"Not to Quistis Trepe."

"Stop saying that."

"Make me. I've seen her house, Squall. Her towels all have dollar signs monogrammed on them! Her old doll house from when she was a kid is bigger than your house. Her house is so big, it has different _wings_! Have you ever been in a wing of a house, Squall? Of course not. That's why she's not interested in you. You don't have wings. She's a rich snob, and she only hangs out with other rich snobs."

"You sound really jealous."

"Jealous of her big house? Don' be ridiculous."

"Jealous that she invited me over."

"I repeat. Don't be ridiculous. Why'd you call me? To make me jealous? No way. I'm not jealous. Have a great time. Send me a postcard from the east wing! She probably wants you to sweep it!"

"She wants me to study chemistry with her."

"She has servants to study chemistry with her! She doesn't need you. She's not interested in you, Squall. Trust me."

"Good night, Rinoa. Sorry I bothered you. I shouldn't have called so late."

"I didn't hurt your feelings, did I?"

"No. Not at all. Good night."

"Bye, Squall."


	11. Water Buffalo

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 10

**Selphie Calls Irvine**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Irvine? This is Selphie Tilmitt."

"This is Irvine's dad. You girls just never stop calling him, do you!"

"No. I guess not."

"I'll see if he's here. _Hey, Irvine! Irvine!_"

"Hello?"

"Hi, Irvine. It's Selphie. Selphie Tilmitt."

"Who?"

"Let's not go through that again. I'm Selphie, Squall Leonhart's sister."

"Oh. Yeah. The psych experiment."

"Right. I'm the psych experiment."

"What's going on? Squall tell you to call me again?"

"No. No, I'm calling on my own."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean, yes. Irvine, could you do me a favor?"

"I don't know."

"It's about Rinoa."

"Who?"

"Rinoa. The girl who pretended to interview you for the school paper."

"Oh, yeah. Squall sent her over here, too, right?"

"Wrong, I did."

"You did?"

"But it was a mistake."

"I don't follow any of this."

"That's okay. I just need you to do me a favor. I want to play a little joke on Rinoa because these calls were all her fault."

"They were?"

"Yes."

"But I thought—"

"Is that foreign exchange student still living in your house?"

"You mean Water Buffalo? Yeah. We're stuck with him until June."

"Water Buffalo? I thought his name was Zell?"

"Yeah, his name is Zell. But I call him Water Buffalo. Want to know why?"

"I'll bite."

"Because he looks like one! Ha-ha-ha!"

"That's not very nice."

"I saw a picture of a water buffalo in my world geography text, and I said, 'Hey—it's Zell!' I've been calling him that ever since. He doesn't know what it is. He thinks it's a compliment! Ha-ha! I told him it means 'handsome' in American. So he's been telling everyone to call him Water Buffalo. It's a riot, isn't it?"

"Yes, a riot."

"You think so? Actually, it's not that funny. He's eating us out of house and home. He eats bags and bags of peanuts every day and throws the shells on the floor. He says they're good for his complexion. You ever see his complexion? His face looks like the surface of the moon! And he never takes a bath. He sits in the living room most of the time, taking up almost the whole couch, and he plays the same song over and over on some kind of bagpipes."

"Weird."

"Tell me about it."

"What country does he come from?"

"It's an island kingdom somewhere off the coast of Norway. I think it's called the Isle of Chicken."

"Chicken?"

"He told me it was named after some ship captain who grounded his ship on it."

"Captain Chicken?"

"Yeah. I guess. Anyway, I'll bet they foreign exchanged him just to get him out for a year so they could clean up!"

"Well, here's what I was wondering, Irvine. I was wondering if Zell has a date for the homecoming dance after the basketball game in two weeks."

"Ha-ha-ha! Are you putting me on? Of course not! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Stop laughing."

"I'm on the floor! Ha-ha-ha! You're hysterical! A date? Zell out on a date? How could he? He'd have to share his peanuts! Ha-ha-ha!"

"Irvine, please. Stop!"

"You want a date with Zell? You're in love with his contaminated blonde hair, right? Too bad it's infected with fleas, that's why he is always scratching it."

"No. I told you, I want to play a joke on Rinoa."

"You mean—"

"Rinoa doesn't have a date to the homecoming dance."

"And you want—"

"I want you to tell Zell to call her and ask her out."

"But isn't this girl a friend of yours."

"Yes. She's my best friend."

"You wouldn't do that to a friend, would you?"

"I might."

"Oh, man! That's baaad!"

"I owe her one."

"So what do I have to do?"

"It's simple. Just get Zell to call Rinoa and ask her out."

"I don't know. The last time he picked up the phone receiver, he tried to eat it."

"Come on, Irvine. He can't be that gross."

"I didn't tell you any of the gross parts."

"Tell him to ask her to the dance and not to take no for an answer."

"Don't worry. Zell doesn't know the word _no_."

"Great. So you think you can get him to do it?"

"If I hold up a hot dog in front of his face, he'll do anything I tell him. Or I should say, a bag of hotdogs."

"And you'll do it for me?"

"Yeah. If you'll pay for the hotdogs."

"I'll pay. I'll pay. Thanks, Irvine."

"I still think it's real mean."

"I know. It's just mean enough. The homecoming dance will be the most embarrassing, most humiliating night in Rinoa's life, right."

"If she survives it. I just hope she doesn't dance with him. Zell's got the wettest, clammiest hands I ever saw. It's like he's a sponge or something. There are these gooey, wet handprints all over my house. They stay on my furniture for days. She'll be sopping wet before the dance is over."

"Ooh, gross. That's terrific."

"Wow, I'm glad I don't have a best friend like you."

"Thanks, Irvine."

"It's nothing. Why am I doing this for you?"

"Because it's a good joke?"

"No, that's not why."

"Because you'd like to see Zell go out on a date?"

"No."

"Because I promise not to bother you again if you do this for me?"

"Yeah. You got it."

"Okay. I can take a hint. Bye, Irvine."

"Bye, Selphie."

Chapter 10-part 2

**Squall Calls Rinoa**

"Hello?"

"Rinoa, did I wake you?"

"It's Rinoa's dad, Squall. You woke me. What time is it?"

"I'm not sure exactly."

"Hmmm—my clock says 2:06 A.M. Why are you calling at 2:06 A.M.?"

"Uh—I thought you might still be up. Sorry."

"Hello?"

"Rinoa, is that you? This idiot friend of yours called at 2:06. Oh. Now it's 2:07. Even later."

"Go back to sleep, Dad. I'll talk to him. Hi, Squall?"

"How'd you know it was me?"

"Dad said _idiot_, didn't he?"

"He shouldn't have said that."

"Well, you know my dad's an Army General. He always chooses his words very carefully."

"I mean, he shouldn't have said that after the night I've had."

"You had a bad night?"

"The worst night of my life. The most embarrassing night of my life. I can never leave the house again. I have to get my name changed and my face changed and move somewhere high in the Himalayas and live as a hermit in a cave with only mountain goats for companions."

"Well, getting your face changed isn't a bad idea."

"Thanks for the support, Rinoa."

"Did you call to tell me all the juicy details?"

"No. I called for some sympathy. I called for some sympathy, but I guess I called the wrong person."

"Okay. I'll give you sympathy. I'll give you lots of sympathy--if you tell me all the juicy details first."

"Rinoa!"

"Start at the beginning. Don't leave anything out."

"No. Your attitude is all wrong. You're ready to enjoy this—and it was the most embarrassing, humiliating night of my life."

"I won't enjoy it, I promise. But how can I be sympathetic if I don't know what to be sympathetic about?"

"Okay. You're right. That makes sense, I guess. But stop smirking like that."

"How do you know I'm smirking? You can't see me over the phone."

"I can hear it in your voice. You smirk with your voice."

"Squall, it's 2:11 in the morning. Are you going to tell me this horror story or not?"

"Okay. Okay. It's painful, that's all. It's real painful. You promise you're going to be sympathetic?"

"Yes, yes. I promise. I promise!"

"Well—Quistis Trepe—"

"I told you so!"

"What? What did you just say?"

"I told you so!"

"I don't believe you, Rinoa! All I said was Quistis Trepe, and you—"

"I told you so!"

"How can you say that?"

"I told you so!"

"Is that your idea of sympathy?"

"No. But I _did _tell you so."

"You really are jealous, aren't you!"

"I am not jealous. I just told you so."

"I'm really sorry I called. I thought you were a friend. Bye."

"Squall?"

_Click_.


	12. But I Told You So!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 11

**Rinoa Calls Squall**

"Hello, Squall?"

"You have reached the Leonhart residence. No one is here right now to receive your call. Please leave a message when you hear the beep, and we'll call you back as soon as we can."

_Beeeep_

"Come on, Squall. I know you're home. Pick up the phone. Come on. I'm calling to apologize. I'm throwing myself at your feet to beg for forgiveness. The least you can do is pick up the phone. I know you're there."

"You're throwing yourself at my feet?"

"I _knew_ you were home. You creep!"

"Creep? This is how you beg for my forgiveness?"

"Well, we each have our own special ways."

"Rinoa, I'm really ticked off at you."

"I know. And you're right. I was terrible last night. I was half asleep, but you were absolutely right to get mad at me. I wasn't a very good friend. That's why I'm calling. To apologize. I'm really sorry. You were in pain and all I did was make fun of you. I feel awful about it, Squall. I really do. I hope you'll accept my apology."

"Well, okay. Let's just forget about last night. Wow. I wish I could forget about _all _of last night!"

"Why? What happened?"

"Well, Quistis Trepe--"

"I told you so!"

_Click._

Chapter 11-part 2

**Rinoa Calls Squall Back**

"Hello?"

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah. You're real sorry, Rinoa."

"It was a joke. Have you lost your sense of humor entirely?"

"Yes, I have. I've lost all my self-respect, all my dignity, and my sense of humor."

"You never had any self-respect or dignity. That's why you needed a sense of humor!"

"I guess that's your idea of an apology."

"I'm just trying to make you laugh. I'm just trying to cheer you up."

"Forget it."

"Well, what happened last night? What was so horrible?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yes. Of course I want to know. I won't make any more jokes. I promise. And I won't say I told you so. Even if it kills me."

"Well, I went over to Quistis Trepe's."

"Yes. Go on."

"I was waiting for you to say 'I told you so.'"

"I promised. I won't say it. Go on."

"Just testing."

"So you went over to Quistis Trepe's house to study chemistry, right?"

"Right. She came on all sexy over the phone in this whispery voice, saying how her parents would be away for the whole night and how she wanted to get to know me better."

"So you ran over there like an eager puppy with your tail wagging and your tongue hanging out."

"Rinoa!"

"Sorry. It just slipped out. Go on."

"What a house! I've driven by it before, but I never realized how immense it is. It's a real mansion."

"I told you. It has wings."

"I walked up the drive but I didn't know which door to go to. There were so many of them, and they all looked like front doors! It was weird."

"Is _that_ your embarrassing story? You couldn't figure out which was the front door?"

"Shut up, Rinoa."

"Okay."

"Anyway, Quistis met me at one of the doors. She acted real glad to see me, like we were close friends or something. She was wearing this sexy sweater and these real tight jeans and--"

"You can skip the description. I already know what Quistis looks like."

"Yeah. Right. So she took my arm and kinda snuggled against me and led me down this long hall to the den. It was a great den. All these dark paneled walls and soft leather couches, and a big, warm fire going in this amazing fireplace."

"Sounds real romantic."

"I'm ignoring your sarcasm. I sat down on the couch in front of the fire, and she sat down real close to me and kept smiling at me, these real warm, meaningful smiles. And she kept saying how she's wanted to get to know me better and how she's wanted to invite me over for months and months. I couldn't believe it!"

"I'll bet."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just being sympathetic. Go on."

"Well, I got out my chemistry notes. But she said there was plenty of time for that later. She told me to get comfortable, to take off my shoes. So I did. Then she told me to stretch out on the couch and make myself at home. Then she started to unbutton my shirt."

"She _what?_"

"She unbuttoned my shirt. She said it was too warm in the den and I'd be more comfortable that way. Then she got up and said not to move, that she would be back with a nice surprise for me."

"A surprise?"

"Yes. A _nice_ surprise. Then she gave me this real sexy, meaningful grin, and left the room. I was in shock. I was in heaven! I was ready to float to the ceiling."

"Don't get disgusting."

"I just lay there on the couch, imagining what the nice surprise was going to be."

"And what was it?"

"Wait. Wait. What it was was a _disaster_. You're not going to believe this."

"I'm not going to live long enough to believe it! Will you go on?"

"So I'm lying there on the couch in front of the fire with my shoes off, just gazing into the fire, feeling real warm and cozy, waiting for Quistis to return. I don't know how much time went by. Maybe five minutes, ten minutes. I don't know. I guess I was in this dreamlike state."

"Barf."

"I hear someone come in, so I look up from the fire. And it's Quistis's dad!"

"He was home?"

"Yes, he was home. And he wasn't expecting anyone else to be in his home. And he certainly wasn't expecting anyone to be lying on the den couch with his shoes off and his shirt unbuttoned. He was in his underwear. And when he saw me lying on his couch, he jumped almost up to the chandelier and turned bright red."

"That's how you could tell he was surprised to see you?"

"Right. He's a real big guy, built like a bear. It took him a while to be able to speak, but then he started sputtering out questions. You know, 'Who are you? What are you doing here?'"

"Good lord."

"Well, I sat up real quick and smiled at him. I tried to look like I didn't notice that he was in his underwear. I mean, I tried to be real casual. But it wasn't easy because I was surprised to see him, too. And I said, 'I'm with Quistis.'"

"And what did he say?"

"He said, 'No you're not.'"

"What?"

"I told him I came over to study with Quistis. And he said, 'That's impossible. Quistis isn't home.' And I said, 'What do you mean? Of course she's home.' And he said, 'She isn't home. She left more than ten minutes ago. I saw her go out the door and get into her car. She had a date with Irvine Kinneas. She went over to Irvine's house.'"

"You mean--"

"That's right. She left me there. It was all a setup. It was all a setup, a joke. She knew her parents would find me sooner or later and throw me out."

"I don't believe it!"

"I told you you wouldn't."

"So what did you do?"

"What should I do? I put on my shoes. I buttoned my shirt."

"He was standing there the whole time?"

"That's right. In his briefs. Staring at me as if I was some kind of intruder or something, making sure I didn't steal an ashtray or a paperweight off the desk."

"How humiliating."

"Tell me about it."

"Didn't you just want to die?"

"Well--yes. I guess I was even more embarrassed than disappointed. I just felt totally humiliated in every way. Not because Quistis's dad had caught me lying there on his couch like an idiot. But because Quistis, a girl I didn't even know, had played such a mean trick on me."

"Irvine put her up to it."

"I guess--"

"Well, I'm really sorry, Squall."

"Thanks."

"It was a rotten, low thing to do to you."

"Yes, it was."

"I can really understand how you must feel."

"Thanks."

"But I told you so!"

Chapter 11-Part 3

**Squall Calls Irvine**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Irvine?"

"No. This is his mother. I'll get him for you."

"Hello?"

"Irvine?"

"Yeah."

"It's Squall."

"Ha-ha-ha."

"I know why you're laughing, Irvine."

"Yeah?"

"I just don't know why you did it to me."

"For a joke, man."

"A joke?"

"Yeah."

"I've never been so embarrassed in my life."

"I heard. Ha-ha."

"You heard?"

"Yeah. From Quistis's dad."

"He told you about it?"

"We told him about the joke. He laughed so hard, he choked."

"You were all laughing, huh?"

"Yeah. We all had a good laugh."

"At my expense."

"Yeah."

"But, why?"

"I don't know."

"Come on, Irvine. Why'd you do it to me?"

"For laughs. You know. Same reason you had those girls call me."

"Now, hold on a minute--"

"That girl who came over without any tape in her tape player and pretended to interview me?"

"I didn't tell her to do that."

"She said you did."

"That was all a misunderstanding."

"A misunderstanding, huh? What about your sister? You told her to call me, didn't you?"

"Well, yes. But that wasn't a joke on you. It was a joke on her."

"Very funny. I don't get it."

"It's kind of hard to explain."

"That's okay."

"But I still don't see why you had to play such a dirty trick on me."

"It wasn't a tick. It was just a misunderstanding. Ha-ha-ha!"

"You're a riot, Irvine."

"Yeah. I know."

"So now we're even?"

"Yeah. Right, Squall. Now we're even."

"Well, glad I could give you a few laughs."

"A few? Don't say a _few_, Squall. We were hysterical for hours. I thought I'd just bust a gut."

"Thanks, Irvine. That's great. Very colorful way of putting it, too."

"But we're even now. No hard feelings, right?"

"What can I say? No hard feelings."

"Now I just have a little favor to do for your sister."

"My sister? What?"

"Uh--I guess that's between her and me."

"Oh, boy."

"I saw your sister in the lunchroom this afternoon. She's kind of cute."

"Yeah. I guess."

"She doesn't look like you at all. Guess that's why she's so cute. Ha-ha-ha!"

"Yeah. Well, I think I've taken enough abuse for one lifetime. I'm going to say goodbye now, Irvine."

"Don't think it hasn't been fun, because it hasn't! Ha-ha-ha!"

"Good one, Irvine. Another good one. You've got a million of 'em, huh?"

"I don't know."

"Well, okay. See you around."

"Not if I see you first. Ha-ha-ha!"

"Right."

"Oh, hey, wait--Squall."

"Yes?"

"About those chemistry notes. Remember? Think I could borrow them tomorrow night?"

"Uh--sure. No problem."

"Great. Thanks a lot, Squall. Later."

"Later, Irvine."


	13. The Foreign Exchange Student

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 12

**Zell Calls Rinoa**

"Hello?"

"Greetings. Do I have the pleasure of addressing the unmarried Rinoa Heartilly?"

"No. This is Rinoa's mother. Is she in some kind of trouble?"

"Trouble? I do not know the meaning of trouble."

"Oh. I—er—you sounded so formal and serious, I thought maybe—"

"You are Rinoa Heartilly's progenitor?"

"You're putting me on—right? Squall, is this you?"

"No. I am not understanding. As they say in my country, the dog flies when the wind blows hard enough. Is that a favorite expression of yours, too?"

"Well, no. Not exactly. Hold on a minute. _Rinoa! Rinoa! I think it's for you!"_

"Hello?"

"Do I have the gracious pleasure of addressing Rinoa in the flesh?"

"What? Fresh?"

"Fresh? No. Flesh."

"Rinoa Fresh? I think you have the wrong number."

"I have the unlucky number?"

"No. The wrong number. The wrong phone number."

"You will give me another number?"

"Who _is_ this?"

"I was previously in conversation with your antecedent."

"My aunt? No. That was my mom. Who _is_ this?"

"I am speaking as your humble servant Zell."

"Squall, you're not funny."

"Is that a witticism?"

"Squall, stop it! That's the phoniest foreign accent I ever heard!"

"The American sense of humor escapes me, I am afraid. We have an expression in my country—the fish don't bark alone. It always give me a giggle. Are you familiar with it perhaps?"

"Squall, I'm losing my patience."

"I am unfamiliar with this word _Squall_. Is it a form of greeting? If so, Squall to you, too, my flower."

"Squall—wait a minute. Did you say Zell?"

"I can say it if it pleases you. Zell."

"Is this really Zell?"

"The same."

"Oh good lord. Hi, Zell. This is Rinoa."

"This is not a recording and I must hold myself until the beep?"

"Ha-ha-ha!"

"Your laughter is the sound of crows."

"Gee, thanks. Is that a compliment in your country?"

"It is meant to be so. But it is hard to tell. We have no crows in my country. The birds fly south every winter and refuse to return the next spring."

"That's too bad. Listen, I'm kind of busy, Zell."

"Busy as the two-legged horse?"

"Right."

"Then shall I keep my comments brief?"

"Yes. Please."

"Are you familiar with the words _cogent_ and _terse_?"

"No. Not really."

"Neither am I."

"Zell, please—"

"Rinoa, may I ask when you last visited my country? Was it in the winter? In the winter, the ponds freeze and we skate barefoot across the ice. I am sorry to report it is a custom that is dying out."

"Gee, I wonder why. Listen, I really have to go now."

"You are making the jest with Zell?"

"What? Making what?"

"Your humor is swift and sharp like the knife that beheads the ox."

"Thanks. I guess. Well, bye. I've got to—"

"Shall I wait for the beep?"

"What?"

"My mouth reaches out to you, but I have not mastered the art of the telephone. In my country, the phones are silent because we all speak in sign language whenever possible. It's such good exercise."

"That's very interesting, Zell. I'm really glad to know all these things about your country, but I really have to get off the phone now. Can you understand that?"

"I can understand when the ancients say enough is not nearly enough and too much is even less."

"See you at school—okay?"

"At the school dance, yes?"

"Yes. What?"

"Your answer has filled me with the joy of a newborn toad."

"What? I what?"

"By choosing to attend the dance with me, you have enlarged my heart."

"Your heart? Wait a minute, Zell. I haven't—I mean—I— What dance?"

"I can hear the joy echoing in your voice like the sound of a million goldfish."

"No, Zell. That's not joy. It's panic. What do you think I just agreed to?"

"The homecoming dance will be a night of a thousand memories burned into my chest like a bad tattoo."

"The homecoming dance? Wait a minute! Hold your horses!"

"My horses are unbridled, their saddle sores forgotten."

"Zell, please! Stop with the colorful expressions! I did _not_ say I would go to the homecoming dance with you." 

"When you said yes, you blew off the top of my head. Do you see, I have learned American expressions, too."

"Zell—"

"If you describe the sarong you will be wearing, I will make certain that my kilt matches in color and fabric."

"My what? Sarong? No, Zell. No. Please listen to me. I did not say yes. I am not going to that dance with you. I-I'd really like to. But—uh—I'm busy that night."

"Did you say that you would really like to? Well, do not have fear. I shall not disappoint. I will appear to accompany you at least two hours before the dance so you will not have time to worry about my arrival."

"No, Oh, no. What am I going to do?"

"Do you like peanuts?"

"Zell, how can I get through to you? I did not say yes. I cannot go with you."

"Do you like them shelled or unshelled? My preference is for the unshelled. Sometimes you find one nut in the shell, and sometimes two. It is one of nature's mysteries, is it not? Our scientists have puzzled over the matter for years."

"Are we talking about nuts now? Zell, I'm trying to be nice, but I've got to make you understand that I am not going to the dance with you. I just can't. I'm sorry."

"You do not need to try to be nice. Your essence is nice. I will observe the ritual cleansing procedures now to prepare for our date. I can promise only that our night will live on in my heart and will burn in my mind like a smoked tongue on an open pit barbecue. Until then, goodbye, my flower."

_Click_.

"No! Zell—wait! I can't! Zell! No!"

Chapter 12-part 2

**Rinoa Calls Zell Back**

"Hello, Zell. Listen, I can't—"

"Hey, sorry. Zell just went out."

"What? He—who is this? Irvine?"

"Yeah."

"This is Rinoa Heartilly. I was just talking to him, and he—"

"Oh, yeah? Was that you he was talking to on the phone? Wow, Rinoa. Whatever you said to him sure made him happy. He tossed his bag of peanuts up in the air and tore out of the house like an elephant on a stampede."

"Irvine, listen. You've got to help me."

"Hey, I can see him out the window. He just ran headfirst into the mailbox on the corner."

"Irvine, please—"

"Now he's backing up and doing it again. He's ramming his head into the mailbox. What did you say to him?"

"It's all a mix-up. He thinks I'm going to the homecoming dance with him."

"Yeah? You are? Wow. That's really nice of you, you know, to sacrifice your evening like that."

"No, I didn't—"

"No wonder the big guy is so happy. Look at him ramming his head out there. He's never had a date in his life. I don't think any girl ever talked to him before!"

"No, Irvine. This can't be happening! You've got to help me get through to him."

"You're a really good person, Rinoa. Kids at school are going to tease you like crazy, but you don't even care, do you! That's great."

"No. I do care. I _do_ care! Listen, Irvine—"

"Did he offer to share his peanuts with you?"

"Yes, but—"

"Wow. The big guy has really fallen for you."

"Irvine—stop! You've got to listen to me."

"Just one thing. Remember not to touch his hands if you can help it. They're always sopping wet and cold as ice. And don't say anything about his weight. He's very sensitive about his stomach bouncing up and down when he walks. So be careful not to stare at it or anything."

"I'm not going to stare at his stomach. Because I'm not—"

"That's good. I just thought I should warn you. If he has to turn sideways to squeeze through a doorway, just turn your head. Look the other way. That way he won't think you're staring at him. You'll have a good time. He's got a great sense of humor, I think. It's a really nice thing you're doing, Rinoa. When you came over to interview me that night, I thought you were weird. But I guess you're okay."

"Thanks, Irvine. But—"

"I'm late for practice. See you around."

_Click_.

"Irvine? Irvine? Please, Irvine. You've got to help get me out of this."


	14. She Hates Me

**Author's note:** Wow…hiya everyone!! You know what? As you can see…I decided to continue updating! Yay! And it is for all you wonderful people, well _most_ of you, that is, of why I'm even in the mood of continuing. I can't believe the positive responses I got! Most of them were the complete opposite of what I thought they would be. Y'all are sooo sweet ^_^ Well, for your sakes *lol* I'm gonna continue typing and uploading everything until the end, which is coming real close -_- Hope you peeps will like this chap!! And oh yeah, for those of you who are reading this are die-hard Squinoa fans, please go read my new one! It's called "Simply Sinful" and I also have this song-fic out called "Melting The Ice," which is kinda squinoaish. Well, see ya! ^_~ Luv ya all *mwahz*

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 13

**Rinoa Calls Squall**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Squall?"

"No. It's Selphie. Rinoa, don't speak to me. I'm still not speaking to you."

"I'm not speaking to you. I'm calling Squall."

"Did you get my message?"

"What message?"

"Don't ask me questions. I told you I'm not speaking to you."

"Selphie, is Squall home?"

"You and Squall have sure gotten chummy. Hope you two have been having a great time plotting against me."

"Selphie—"

"Stop talking to me. I told you. You're not my friend. I guess you never were. I can't believe you played that rotten trick on me."

"But, Selphie, you started it—"

"Stop talking, Rinoa. I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to Squall, either. You're both nonpersons."

"Nonpersons? Selphie—"

"I don't hear you. You're invisible. You're history. You're a nonperson. _Squall! Squall! Phone for you! Another nonperson_!"

"Hello?"

"Hi, Squall. It's me."

"Oh. Hi, Rinoa."

"Selphie's still pretty mad."

"You picked up on that, huh? Yeah, she's mad all right."

"I've got other problems now. Even bigger problems."

"You sound pretty down. You know, I was so upset about Quistis Trepe, I forgot to tell you something yesterday. Something Selphie told me."

"What?"

"It's about when she told you to call Irvine, which started this whole fight between you two."

"Yes. What about Irvine?"

"Well, Selphie meant for you to call Irvine Hardesty."

"Irvine Hardesty?"

"Right."

"Not Irvine Kinneas? She didn't tell me to call Irvine Kinneas?"

"No. Irvine Hardesty wanted you to call him, but you know how shy he is."

"I don't believe it."

"You don't believe he's shy?"

"I don't believe I called the wrong Irvine."

"Well, that's what happened."

"I don't believe it."

"It was all just a mix-up."

"Just a mix-up. Just a mix-up! This little mix-up made me embarrass myself for life in front of Irvine Kinneas. It made me play a terrible trick on my best friend, who's no longer speaking to me and says I'm a nonperson! And you say it was just a mix-up?!"

"Well—"

"No wonder Selphie thinks I'm a terrible person. I _am_ a terrible person! She was doing me a favor. And what did I do? Played a rotten trick on her in return!" 

"But it was just a mix-up."

"Will you stop saying that?"

"Okay, okay. This isn't my fault, you know."

"Of course it's your fault. It's got to be your fault!"

"Will you chill out? How can it be my fault?"

"I don't know. But somehow you're to blame. I know it. I know you are. You're the one who tricked Selphie into calling Irvine Kinneas, after all."

"Rinoa, you _made_ me do that! It wasn't my idea—it was yours!"

"So what? You're supposed to be smart, Squall. You're supposed to go along with every stupid idea I have."

"Well, excuse me for living. I'll never listen to anything you have to say again, okay? Why are you in such a bad mood, anyway?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on, Rinoa."

"No. Really. I don't want to talk about it. It's too depressing."

"It can't be that bad."

"Yes, it can. How do you know how bad it can be?"

"Well, whatever it is, it can't be as bad as you sound."

"Give me a break, Squall. At least I don't sound as bad as you look!"

"Ha-ha. Very funny. Is that going to cheer you up? To make dumb cracks about me?"

"Probably. A little."

"Well, no way. I'm hanging up."

"No. Don't hang up, Squall. I'm sorry. I'm just in a bad mood."

"You're not going to cry now, are you?"

"No. You'd enjoy it too much. I'm just all confused now. What should I do?"

"About what?"

"About Selphie."

"Apologize to her, I guess."

"Apologize? How can I apologize?"

"By saying you're sorry. That's the normal way. Tell her you're sorry you played that vicious, humiliating trick on her after she was just trying to fix you up with Irvine Hardesty."

"But how can I? She won't talk to me. She says I'm a nonperson. She called me that, right to my face."

"Okay, okay. I'll talk to her. I'll tell her you want to apologize."

"You're a nonperson, too."

"I'm a brother nonperson. That's different. Don't worry. I'll tell her."

"Thanks, Squall. That's very nice of you."

"Try to cheer up, okay? I don't like hearing you sound so low."

"Okay, I'll try. Thanks. Bye."

"Bye, Rinoa. I'll call you later."

Chapter 13-part 2

**Irvine Calls Selphie**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Selphie? This is Irvine."

"No. This is Selphie's mother. Hold on. I'll see if she's home. _Selphie! Selphie!_

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Hi. Who is this?"

"It's me. Irvine."

"What?"

"It's me. Irvine Kinneas. You know."

"Oh. Sorry, Irvine. I was just surprised. I mean—"

"So? How's it goin'?"

"Uh—fine. Just fine."

"I was just wondering—I mean—I saw you in the lunchroom a few days ago, and—well—"

"Really? I didn't see you."

"Oh. Well, what I was calling about was—I thought maybe you'd like to go with me to the homecoming dance after the basketball game."

"What? Hey—who _is_ this?"

"I told you. Irvine Kinneas."

"And you're asking me out? Sure. I really believe that!"

"Whoa. Hold on—"

"What's the gag, Irvine? Who told you to call me?"

"Nobody. I—"

"Did Rinoa tell you to call? Who was it?"

"Now, listen—"

"No way I'm falling for this one, Irvine. You should tell Rinoa or Squall or whoever it was I think you're all really juvenile!"

_Slam_.


	15. Good Grief

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Chapter 14

**Rinoa Calls Selphie**

"Hello?"

"Hi, Selphie. It's me. Please don't hang up."

"What?"

"Did Squall talk to you? Well, it doesn't really matter. I'm calling to apologize. I'm really sorry. The whole thing was a terrible mix-up, and I'll understand if you never want to speak to me again. But I just wanted you to know what happened, I mean about the mix-up. I just misunderstood you, you see. I thought you were telling me that Irvine Kinneas wanted me to call him. But of course you meant Irvine Hardesty. But I didn't know that. So when I went over to Irvine Kinneas's and made such a fool of myself, I thought you had played a trick on me. That was my first mistake. Or maybe it was my second. But it was just a mistake, see. And I know I shouldn't have been angry at you because you were just trying to do me a favor, and the whole misunderstanding was my fault. But I got angry and then I got Squall to tell you that Irvine Kinneas wanted you to call him, just to get back at you. Poor Squall thought he was helping to patch things up between us. But of course he was just making things worse, and so was I because I was angry and didn't understand that it was all just a big misunderstanding on my part. Whew! I know I'm talking a mile a minute, Selphie, but I just had to get it all out and explain to you and beg you to except my apology."

"Who were you trying to reach?"

"What? Selphie?"

"I'm sorry. There's no Selphie here. You have the wrong number."

"Isn't this 555-9956?"

"No, it isn't."

"Oh. Sorry."

"You sound like a nice girl. I hope you work things out."

"Thanks a lot. Bye."

"Bye."

Chapter 14-part 2

**Rinoa Calls Selphie Again**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Selphie?"

"No. It's her mom. Is this Rinoa?"

"Yes, it is, Mrs. Heartilly."

"What on earth is going on between you two, Rinoa?"

"I'm not sure exactly. It's all just a misunderstanding."

"Well, I do hope you two can settle it. Selphie has been impossible for the past two weeks. She's been absolutely wired for sound!"

"I'm sure we can settle it. I just need to talk to her."

"Well, I'll see if she'll come to the phone. Really, Rinoa, it's none of my business, but this is just so childish."

"You're right."

"I'm right that it's none of my business?"

"No. That's not what I meant. I meant that you're right. It's childish."

"I had a best friend once, and we had a silly argument. I don't even remember what it was about. I think it had something to do with a dress. Or was it a boy? Oh, I guess you probably don't want to hear this."

"Probably."

"I'll get Selphie. You sound as bad as she does. Hold the line."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Hello?"

"Selphie?"

"Oh. It's you."

"Did Squall talk to you?"

"Yes. One nonperson standing up for another."

"Please, Selphie. I just want to apologize."

"Okay. Go ahead. Don't forget to beg my forgiveness. Try to sound as pitiful as possible."

"Gee, you sure are making this easy for me."

"I'm giving you a chance, Rinoa. Only because we used to be good friends. But you played a mean truck on me. For no reason."

"I know. You're right."

"Is that it? Keep going."

"I'm really sorry. It was a mix-up. I thought you meant the wrong Irvine."

"Squall told me."

"I shouldn't have gotten angry."

"I know."

"I shouldn't have played that trick on you."

"I know."

"That's why I'm calling to apologize. I want us to be friends again, the way it was. No tricks, no jokes. No yelling. I admit it was my fault."

"Well, that's a start."

"A start?"

"We're not exactly even yet, are we?"

"Even? What do you mean?"

"Well, you haven't stopped playing tricks on me, have you?"

"Selphie, I don't know what you mean."

"Get real, Rinoa. I'm not as dumb as you look."

"Hey, come on, Selphie. I'm trying to apologize. I don't know what you're—"

"So I'm not going to fall for your latest gag. You tried it once too often."

"What latest gag, Selphie? I really don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, here are two words that might remind you—_Irvine Kinneas_."

"Huh?"

"You heard me."

"I haven't spoken a work to Irvine Kinneas since that horrible night at his house when I had to tape in my tape recorder, thanks to you."

"I don't believe you. Irvine called tonight and—"

"Really? Well, I haven't spoken to him. I'm still too embarrassed. If I see him coming down the hall, I run the other way. I couldn't call him, Selphie. No way I could ever call him."

"Oh good grief! That call was for real!"

"What?"

"He called and asked me to the dance. And I—I—"

"You thought it was a joke?"

"Right. And I told him off and hung up on him. Aaaaaaayye!"

"Selphie, what's that loud noise?"

"It's just me."

"What are you doing?"

"Pounding my head against a wall. Ouch!"

"Stop. Come on. Stop it. It sounds terrible."

"Ow. I hung up on him. Do you believe it? I hung up on Irvine Kinneas."

"Bad move, Selphie. But you can't blame me for this one."

"Of _course_ I blame you! If you hadn't played a trick on me in the first place, I never would've known the real call was real!"

"But wait—"

"This is all your fault, Rinoa! Don't try to worm out of it!"

"You're not making any sense. Why would I play _two_ tricks on you, Selphie? Why would I do that?"

"Of course you had a good reason to play another trick on me! Because of Zell!"

"Zell?"

"Because I sicced Zell on you!"

"You? You?"

"Yes. I had to pay you back for your trick, didn't I?"

"So you got Zell to ask me to the dance?"

"Yes. Pretty good trick, huh?"

"Good trick? Not only will I have the most miserable night of my life, but I'll be a laughingstock in front of the whole school!"

"You won't be a laughingstock. Everyone will just feel sorry for you. Ha-ha!"

"But—but how could you do that to me? I'm your best friend!"

"I was just getting even."

"But Zell?"

"I was just getting even—plus a little more."

"That is the sneakiest, lowest, most disgusting, most disgraceful, most despicable thing one friend ever did to another friend!"

"Yeah. Probably."

"Bye, Selphie. Don't ever speak to me again."

"Hey, what about your apology?"

_Slam._

**Author's note: **So whatcha think of this chap? I sincerely apologize for the 10+ day delay, I just didn't have much time to get on the computer, and the like, ten free minutes I had in school at computer class didn't help me either. So sorry! I promise that from today on I will make my updates on a daily basis, or something like that. Oh and if you are reading this right now, you better review even if this story is not mine! I still like seeing what other people think ^_^ So, **REVIEW!!!!** Heehee =D Also, if any of you are members of that livejournal thingy, can you please send me a code if you still have one? I'm like DYING to get an account there, lol.          


	16. Zell's A Player?

**Author's note**: I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry for the very long lack of update! I am! I really am! I can't believe that I broke my promise, yet again! Okay, to make that up, I guess I will, I repeat yet again, _will_ update every day. No exception. _Will_. Got that? I will. Now, on with this chapter…enjoy! And oh yeah, I will! 

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. 

Chapter 15

**Selphie Calls Irvine**

"Hello, please?"

"Hello—Irvine?"

"This is Irvine?"

"No. I'm calling Irvine."

"You are called Irvine? That is a bizarre coincidence. There is also a youth named Irvine who abides in this house."

"No, no. Zell? Is this Zell?"

"You are calling my name?"

"This is Selphie Tilmitt. I am trying to reach Irvine."

"You are reaching Zell. Your tongue is in my ear, so to speak. Ha-ha! Do you enjoy my witticism?"

"Yes. Ha-ha. That's a riot. Is Irvine—"

"Perhaps you would enjoy a peculiarly humorous anecdote that is told in my country."

"Perhaps I would. But not right now."

"That's okay. I am not remembering it too well, anyway. It involves two armadillos and a pitch helmet. Are you familiar with it?"

"No. No, I'm not."

"What a pity. Its quite daring, as I recall, and just a little bit naughty. Hee-hee."

"Maybe some other time, okay? Is Irvine there?"

"Irvine lives here. You are correct in that assumption."

"Zell, is Irvine there _now_?"

"As we say in my country, an empty dog sheds no light."

"What?"

"I guess it does not translate."

"I guess not."

"I am enjoying your voice in my head. Your voice is soft, like a girl's."

"That's probably because I'm a girl."

"You? A girl? Named Irvine? I am filled with bewilderment."

"No. I am a girl named Selphie."

"No wonder."

"No wonder what?"

"I do not know. I am a lowly seeker of answers, as are we all. The questions are many and the answers are few. As the wise men often say in my country, a healthy tree knows as many questions as a sick monkey."

"Zell, I really must speak to Irvine now. It's very important. He called me about the homecoming and—"

"The dance. Ah, my goodness yes. The dance. Thank you for your kind and gracious invitation. I most humbly accept."

"You what? No, wait—"

"We will be like the head and tail of a worm, moving as one wherever our heart bids us to slither and crawl."

"That's beautiful, Zell. But you don't understand—"

"It is written in the book of time. I will escort you on wings of song."

"What does that mean?"

"It has no meaning. It is an expression."

"Zell, I can't—I mean, you can't—I mean—"

"Thank you for asking me to the dance. I am overcome with please and anticipation. My knees are trembling. My kidneys ache."

"No! No! Do you hear me? No!"

"Do you like peanuts?"

"No! No! No!"

"I will arrive two hours early so as not to keep you in suspense. I will gladly pay for my own ticket of admission, even though it was you who invited me to attend."

"No! No! No! Can't you hear me? No!"

"Okay. I will accede to your wishes. You may pay for my admission, too."

"No, please. Listen to me. You've got to listen to me!"

"I will listen as the mountain goat listens to the tin can in the grass. And until we meet, my tongue will be clucking your name."

"No, please. Please don't cluck my name. I'm begging you, Zell. Don't cluck my name."

"You are making a witticism, right? I enjoy a well-praised witticism, even if I do not understand it. Hee-hee!"

"Uccch. That giggle. I'm going to be sick."

"I am sick with anticipation as well, my flower. Until we meet, until I am dazzled by the light of your golden aura, and dizzied by the thundering beauty of your feet moving across the dance floor, I will say good night."

_Click._

"Zell? Zell? Is Irvine there? Zell?" 

**Author's note**: I will! ^_~


End file.
